WHAT?
by Roz
Summary: The group gets into a little arguement and they find out whos gay, who shaves and who gets all the girls. And where all the athelas leaves disappear to......then orcs crash the party *FINISHED!*
1. Default Chapter

"Oh yeah?" Aragorn said challengingly.  
  
"Yeah!" Boromir replied.  
  
Legolas sensed the tension and stepped in between the two-friends-turned- recent-rivals.  
  
"Rest easy, brothers. We shall need all our strength for the journey", he laid a long, slim, restraining hand on each of their shoulders.  
  
"Shut up!," both of them turned to the astonished elf, "I'm not going to listen to some airy-fairy elf!"  
  
"What?? I'm NOT airy-fairy!" Legolas cried.  
  
"Yeah right. As if. Look at me! I'm Legolas. I'm going to go hug some trees, sing some songs, recite some poetry, pick some pretty flowers and brush my lovely, long, golden hair," while Aragorn said this rather sarcastically Boromir dropped his shield and pretended to skip along gaily, picking flowers, smelling them and sighing with pleasure.  
  
Frodo had crept up to watch this rather interesting verbal slinging match and when Boromir had started up the charade he and Aragorn burst out laughing, rolling around on the ground, clutching their sides.  
  
"I'm NOT like that!!!" Legolas almost wailed then rallied, "Well, at least I don't smell and I'm going to live forever AND I pick up all the girls!" his clear, green eyes flashing.  
  
At this remark Aragorn and Frodo stopped laughing - things had become serious.  
  
Frodo stepped forward and looked up at the elf with his large, blue eyes, "Uh, Legolas, you know that I pick up quite a lot of girls, being small and slim and just overall cute."  
  
"But that's not fair! Just because you're small all the girls call him cute. CUTE?!?!? I'm much more prettier!", Legolas smoothed back his hair, "Its not my fault that he's got such blue eyes, they're fake anyway! He uses contacts!", at this accusation everyone fell silent.  
  
"And he's got hairy feet", Legolas sniffed with disdain.  
  
"Oh, that's right. You don't have hairy feet or legs cause YOU SHAVE!!" Frodo pointed a finger at his accuser, who was vertically above him.  
  
"And you moisturise!" Boromir put in, "I"ve seen you when no-ones looking and then you sneak off and wash your hair in the stream with shampoo AND CONDITIONER - ruining the stream!" everyone gasped with shock.  
  
Legolas turned red, "I-I-I do not!", he stuttered revealing his lie, "Well, at least my hair is all nice and long and it doesn't have split ends! What about yours and Aragorn's hair? Do you look after it at all??? All greasy and oily - it's disgusting. I'll bet you have dandruff!"  
  
"NO!" they replied together, "Well, Arwen doesn't seem to mind it.,"Aragorn put in slyly. Legolas' face darkened at the thought of a she-elf with Aragorn, especially such a beautiful she-elf.  
  
"Um, Legolas", Frodo stepped in to try and diffuse the situation a bit. Legolas spun around all fired up, "And YOU! You sleep in curlers! And every week you used to get a perm - just to keep your curls!"  
  
Frodo's normally pale face turned an interesting shade of pink as he gently touched his brown locks, "Well, the girls don't seem to mind.," he finished lamely.  
  
"Don't you talk to my master like that!" Same rushed to his master's defence.  
  
"YOU! At least I'm not gay!" Legolas cried and pointed to Sam.  
  
"I'm not gay!" Sam replied indignantly, "In fact", his eyes misted over, "There's a girl back at the Shire called Rosie who---"  
  
"YOU'RE GAY!! Everyone thinks you're getting it on with Frodo! All that comforting and walking, all alone, all that following around Frodo like a love-sick puppy. You're pining after Frodo and everyone knows it!" Legolas finished satisfied.  
  
Sam looked shocked and slightly sick.  
  
Aragorn burst out laughing, "And you're not gay yourself Legolas? If you're not gay then you're a girl!"  
  
"I'm NOT GAY!!! I'm just very in touch with my inner child and feminism. I'm a very modern new-age guy!"  
  
"G-getting in on with Frodo?? Me with my master?? You think that----" Sam turned green and threw up in a bush.  
  
"Hey!! Am I that revolting???", Frodo threw the heaving Sam a evil glance and sat - sulking.  
  
"Maybe you and Sam could get something together, Legolas", Aragorn slapped his knee with laughter.  
  
"I'M NOT GAY!!!" Legolas screamed, "I can act all macho when I want!"  
  
"You smell like LAVENDAR! You shave your legs, pluck your eyebrows - yes I've seen you do that too!" Aragorn grinned as he saw Legolas' panicked look, "You even braid your hair!"  
  
Boromir had fallen off the log he had been sitting on since he was laughing so hard - tears rolled down his cheeks.  
  
"But it works! I get all the girls! Ok, me and Frodo," he added quickly as the hobbit advanced threatenly, "Who do have Aragorn? You can't even get a date with your own species!! You have to take a she-elf!"  
  
"Ex~cuse~~ me~~! I'd like you to know that lots of girls like the strong, silent type!"  
  
"Brothers, we are all friends here," a huge hand tugged gently at Aragorn's and Legolas' cloaks. They looked down at the Gimli, the dwarf. "So lets all just be at peac-"  
  
"SHUTUP! Nobody even likes you! Do you see any fics about you here huh? No one likes short, stumpy, non-cute-looking dwarves, so go away!" Aragorn knocked the poor dwarf's hand away.  
  
"Well, I'd like you to know Mr Leader, what a crappy job you've done in this group." Gimli snarled back, " Let's see. In your care, the town of Bree gets devastated, Frodo gets stabbed with a Morgul blade and nearly dies, no thanks to you, then we get spotted at the pass and then have to go through the mines of Moria. Before we even get into the mines, Frodo nearly gets taken but a huge squidy, tentecaly thing and then we get trapped in the mines. THEN, in the mines we get attacked to Orcs and Frodo nearly dies AGAIN!! Then we lose Gandalf. Then when we get to the forest we get captured, then ambushed by orcs and they kill Boromir!!"  
  
"HEY~! WHAT?!?!?! Who said I WAS GOING TO DIE????" Boromir shouted getting up. "That wasn't in the contract!! I said specifically---"  
  
"If you don't mind, I'm trying to build an argument here," Gimli pointed out, then went on. "Then you push Boromir over the waterfall and we lose Sam and Frodo!! Merry and Pippin get taken and then even Frodo gets taken and beaten, slightly" he added grudgingly. And when it comes to the end of the ring, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO DO WITH IT???? You're not even there to provide moral support!!!"  
  
"Um, excuse me, could we get back onto the minor detail of, ME BEING SLAIN?????"  
  
Merry and Pippin walk in quite unaware of the nasty turn that the bickering had taken. "Hey guys! We brought some mushrooms---"  
  
"Did hear just what Gimli said? He said that you get taken by orcs and die a horrible death of toture, torment and pain!!!! AND I DIE!!" Boromir started panicking, "But that's not going to happen, cause I'm on my guard and I've got my horn and I've got my sword and I've got my shield and I rule Gondor, and and, OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO DIE!!!" he sat down, put his head in his hands and started wailing.  
  
"Um, ok. Does anyone want some mushrooms?" Merry presented them fearfully, scared that things were going to turn even nastier.  
  
"I never said that Merry and Pippin were going to die like that" Gimli corrected Boromir hastily.  
  
"But you didn't hestitate saying that I would!!" Boromir started wailing even louder. Aragorn, Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin stared.  
  
"Ok, what's been going on here?" Pippin asked, trying to stay calm, with his hands on his hips.  
  
"I don't think you really want to know," Sam looked up at them and wiped his mouth. Suddenly turned green and started thowing up again.  
  
Frodo gave him a look of pure death, "Hmpf!"  
  
"What have you hobbits been doing, all alone in the forest, huh?" Aragorn raised an eyebrow and nudged Legolas.  
  
"Yeah, all alone. I notice you two go off a lot and sleep close a lot too" Legolas grinned evilly as the 2 young hobbits started shuffling around nervously.  
  
"Uh-uh-h-hhh-have a m-mushroom" Merry offered them, getting really quite scared.  
  
"Mushrooms!" Legolas scoffed, "That's another thing Aragorn! What do you do in your spare time!! You look stoned most of the time!!!"  
  
"What???? I don't touch drugs!!!"  
  
"OH yeah? What the hell do you put in that pipe of yours??? I bet that's where all those athelas leaves have been disappearing to, huh? HUH! You've been smoking it and getting high!!"  
  
"Um, guys. I really think that you should be watching the forest" Merry said as he caught a glimpse of something silver flash by.  
  
"Yeah, I'm getting a bad feeling" Pippin faded out as he looked at the group. Frodo was sitting with his back to Sam - sulking. Sam was still throwing up in a bush, "How much food does he have in his stomach???" Pippin thought. Legolas and Aragorn were still bickering, "I'M NOT GAY!!" the words could be heard. Gimli sat there looking smug and tough, strong Boromir was sitting sobbing into his hands.  
  
"What the f**k happened when we were gone??????" Merry asked Pippin. Pippin didn't answer. He thought that he could feel countless eyes on them. A twig snapped and no one seemed to notice but Merry grabbed his arm, "Something's stalking us."  
  
Abruptly where there had been nothing a cluster of orcs jumped out.  
  
"Do YOU MIND????" Aragorn raged, "We're trying to have an argument! Make an appointment next time!"  
  
The orcs were startled for a second, but only for a second. Then one swiftly smashed something into the elf's head and Legolas fell. Then all around them orcs swarmed.  
  
"Hey~! I just washed that today and now it's all wrecked! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get bloodstains out of BLOND HAIR????"  
  
~*silence, while everyone is stunned*~  
  
"I'M GOING TO DIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
"Oh, shutup". 


	2. A/N only *boo*

OK, first of all, sorry that this isn't an actual update. Its an author- note. Duh. You might notice that due to lack of actual plot-lines (which don't occur in my stories anyway) or more importantly characters.  
  
Now, secondly - thanks for the reviews, I wasn't actually intending on going any further on with the story but now I'm trying to think up a new chapter and that's where I need your help.  
  
I can't think of how to make this capture by the orcs funny. Any suggestions or any more funny things that I can say about the characters would be greatly appreciated. I've got a couple more about Legolas and some about Sauron but I'm stuck on how to make the story still funny without it turning into angst (cause going from humour to angst would just suck).  
  
And thirdly, I apologise for anything that I say about your favourite character which you might take as offensive. And I'm not a homophobic. Just letting you know. I have nothing against gay people, its just funny to think of the fellowship calling each other that and their reactions.  
  
Also, this fic is never going to go above the rating PG-13, so if you do want some action in it, look elsewhere~!  
  
And personally, my fave character is Aragorn, I'm one of those girls that go for the strong, silent, greasy-hair, wild-look guy. But hey! Each to their own taste.  
  
Um, and there will be spoilers in it too (having done everything to do with LOTR I'm using my knowledge evilly).  
  
So sit back and enjoy this (at the moment) non-existing story.  
  
Oh, and review. 


	3. Mushrooms

Warning: Implied drug scenes and more weird wacko stuff...warning ends.  
  
Legolas awoke to a splitting headache and it wasn't helped when all he could hear was, "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm going to ddddddddiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!" as a high-pitched wail.  
  
"Bloody hell Boromir, get over it." He sat up stiffly, "We all die. Well, ok, excepting me because I'm immortal and I'm perfect and I glimmer with an inner light and everyone lov-EWWWW! Help me! Help me! It's a mouse! A huge, horrible, foaming-at-the-insicors-mouse!! It's going to eat me~! ARGH!!" Legolas started screaming and ended up trying to balance on top of Gimli's head.  
  
He was saved as Merry and Pippin pounced on the mouse, "It's only about 3 centimetres long, not even a good meal," and they started quarrelling on who should be allowed to eat it.  
  
"Pippin, give it to me!! You ate all the mushrooms, you're a PIG!!"  
  
"I am not and I did not!!"  
  
"Did too!"  
  
"Did NOT!"  
  
"Then where did they go?? It's not like they're magic mushrooms that suddenly grow legs and run off screaming."  
  
"Well, you never know. I mean if I took one glance at you----"  
  
"PIPPIN!! Where did you put them??? I'm HUNGRY!!"  
  
"I don't KNOW!" As they both glared at each other a thought sidled into their mind and they turned slowly to look at Aragorn - who was trying to shove a mushroom up his nose.  
  
"Um, at the risk of asking the obvious, what are you doing?" Merry hesitantly asked.  
  
"Yeah. Watcha doing, shoving our mushrooms up ya nose?"  
  
"And grinding up our mushrooms and trying to sniff it?"  
  
"And cutting up our mushrooms and stuffing it in your pipe and trying to smoke it??"  
  
Aragorn spun around with ½ a mushroom hanging out of his nose, "Um, um, uh, I-I'm trying out a new rememdy for the kwoiaf-nasdoiwerno-asdfiuuewbk poison that the orcs use for painful torture and...and..stuff, to help people, yeah stuff..and, things to do with...stuff," he faded out and tried to grin.  
  
Merry and Pippin stared at the ranger.  
  
"Oh. Okay then!" and turned back to bickering over the now-long-gone mouse.  
  
"You see what you did!!"  
  
"ME??? What about you!!"  
  
Gimli shook his head furiously and Legolas came tumbling down.  
  
"You scream like a girl," he grinned.  
  
"I do not~! I'm not a girl and I'm NOT GAY! Goddammit! Why can't you people.and hobbits," he added, "Realise that I just take good care of my bod---ARGH!! I broke a nail! I broke a nail!! And my headache is getting worse!! Aragorn!! You're the healer here! Make me up some potiony stuff and cure me!"  
  
"Um, Legolas, you're the elf here." Frodo looked up at him, "Why don't you do that weird-ass hand thingy and make yourself daze out??"  
  
"I'm sick of healing everyone else, I want the pampering! Pamper me!! Aragorn get those athelas leaves and pamper me!"  
  
"I'm busy," came the muffled reply, "Um, are there any huge, hairy spiders flashing pink and purple behind you, Legolas?"  
  
Legolas turned and looked at Aragorn who had moved on from the mushrooms to- --, "GODDAMMIT ARAGORN!!! I told you you had a drug problem!! I even gave you that card so that you could go see the drugs anonymous counsel, but noo~ you had to act all macho and smoke those last remaining healing leaves just to GET HIGH AND SEE HAIRY SPIDERS!" with that Legolas strode over and broke Aragorns pipe/bong/whatever-he-gets-high-with.  
  
"Hey~! I needed that for medical experiments....!"  
  
"Yeah, I'll bet you did."  
  
For about 10 minutes silence reigned and Merry and Pippin silently decided whether they should eat Frodo.  
  
"Nah, too bloody skinny. Not good for a hobbit."  
  
"Yeah, but put it this way when Sauron gets his hands on him, there won't be much to beat up!!!"  
  
No-one needed to say, How about Sam? He was just next to Frodo. And he wasn't skinny. He was plump. Nice and plump. Merry and Pippin eyes glazed over and they unconsciously started drooling.  
  
Sam started to edge away nervously.  
  
And was saved when the door was slammed open (if this is possible), hitting Boromir in the face with a, "THUD".  
  
"ERG*H!"  
  
"Oh my, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to slam the door into your face. Here let me help you. Oh my, my mother always said that I was so clumsy. Dear me. It's all my fault."  
  
"OW, you [insert quite a lot of bad swear-words]"  
  
"Now, now. No need to get nasty. I already said I was sorry. My father said that swearing was bad. Here this will help", the creature, who everyone stared at, put some ointment on Boromir's face.  
  
"OWWWWW!" Boromir screamed and started rolling about on the floor in agony.  
  
"Hahahahaha!" Aragorn cheered, still quite high.  
  
"You're an orc!!" Sam spluttered. "Aren't you meant to be evil-spoken and evil-minded?"  
  
"That's just a generalization. You people think all us orcs are like that when only about 99.999999999999% are." It looked at Boromir who was still squealing in pain, "I think I might've overdone it. Oh well, tell me if and when he dies. We're a bit short on rations."  
  
"Oh..k" Merry stared.  
  
"Do it 'gain, do it 'gain!!" Aragorn giggled.  
  
The orc gave him a weird look then pulled out a piece of parchment and read, "Thou namest Aragorn, son of Arathorn and Gilrean, foster brother of Elladan and Elrohir and foster son of Elrond - why the hell are all the names in your family so familiar? Do you have any idea how much that stuffs people up? Begging your pardon, sirs - must be escorted to thy interrogation counsel, otherwise known as torture chamber, to see thee almighty - um, can't quite read this - squiggly line, straight line, circle. Hmm, I wasn't employed to read hieroglyphics."  
  
The orc waited for about 5 mins, "Well, c'mon then, where's Aragorn?"  
  
The person in question was dancing in the corner by himself, giggling and mumbling to some invisible being. "Can't you hear them? They're funny!"  
  
Everyone stared. "That's Aragorn," Legolas pointed at the weirdo smugly.  
  
"Mightly obliged gentlemen and gentlehobbits. I"ll be glad to see to your personal needs if you need anything - excepting things essential to life eg. Water, food, sunlight etc etc etc - just call me your local friendly orc who is always just around the corner to cause trouble, pain and agony. Have a nice, short, pain-filled life." The orc bowed and picked up the grooving Aragorn bodily and walked out of the cell.  
  
"Well, that was a friendly orc" Frodo said weakly.  
  
"Really? Nah, never would've guessed it."  
  
"MASTER!! Stop those hobbits looking at me queerly!" Sam cried trying to hide in Frodo's cloak.  
  
Frodo turned around smiling, "I KNEW we had something special Sam, I knew it the moment you came into my life and now that you've finally accepted me by trying to get into my clothes I have to say that although I'm touched I'm straig-----"  
  
Frodo was cut off by Boromir's louder then normal wailing, "I'm dying! I knew it. I'm dying. Oh god, why couldn't Faramir be in my position? That little ratbag, it was meant to be him here but noooo~ father HAD to favour me, and now I'm on my deathbed..."  
  
"Can you do anything for him Legolas? Before I strangle him myself.." Gimli muttered and turned to the elf who was holding his head in his hands.  
  
"Blood, mice, dirt, smoke, orcs, drugs, broken nails, split ends, I don't think I can stand this any longer" the elf muttered, then when he heard Gimli's question he waved his hand, "He'll be fine. That stuff the orc put on will heal him. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It's going to take forever to scrub myself clean and WHERE am I meant to go to the TOILET???? They never put that in the script DO THEY????"  
  
"Take a chill pill" Gimli retorted then started. Everyone winced and looked at each other hopelessly as screams where heard coming down the corridor from the 'interrogation counsel'.  
  
"Rather him then me," Legolas muttered and turned back to filing his nails. Everyone nodded grinning weakly.  
  
"I'm hungry!"  
  
"Me too!"  
  
"Let's eat Sam!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Master help me!!"  
  
"Oh, Sam!" 


	4. Aragorn's pain

It was dark by the time the screams stopped.  
  
"Hey! The screams have stopped" Frodo pointed out the bleeding obvious with his head cocked on one side.  
  
"About bloody time, it was making my headache worse," Legolas said grumbled while fultily trying to get the dirt out from under his nails. "Look at this. My nails are ruined. Totally ruined, all this horrible, horrible dirt. RUINED!!"  
  
"I thought that you elves liked dirt and nature and stuff like that," Gimli said with a raised monobrow.  
  
"Screw nature!" Legolas replied with vehemence. "I'll bet that you've never woken up in the morning and had to pull prickles out of your underpants huh?? HUH?!?!?"  
  
"Well, of course not. That's why we created chainmail undies, do you want a pair?"  
  
"And how many times have you gotten lost in the forest, AT NIGHT and then accidently walked off A CLIFF?? Or fallen out of a tree breaking every bone in your body and no-one even takes notice because, "You're an elf"????? ARRRGGHHHH! And the bugs! Jesus Christ, they give me creeps, you know one day I would just love to squish all the bugs. And the birds!! They squawk and squawk, they NEVER shut up!! All night, all night, how do you expect us to sleep?? I couldn't care less if the orcs just bulldo-" Gimli was saved from dying a painful death of listening to all of Legolas' problem when the was opened with an ominous creak and a figure was dragged into the cell.  
  
"Ashiodakwern adfoiiuwen eiouwnc,zx aooifa" the orc growled.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I said, Ashiodakwern adfoiiuwen eiouwnc,zx AOOIFA!!!"  
  
~*~ total silence~*~  
  
"Do you speakem ze English? En----glish..??? You no speakem nor---mal language?" Sam tried his hand at communication.  
  
"Do you have a speech impediment?" the orc inquired, "Because I know this great orc who helped me with my lisp so that when I say stuff like, "I'm going to sssslit your thsroat" people could actually understand me. He could really help you, you know.  
  
[Far away in another cell]  
  
"Ok, repeat after me, "Precious".  
  
"Preccccciousssssss"  
  
"No, no no! Don't lengthen the sss'. It sounds like you're hissing. Try again, "My precious, my own"  
  
"My preccccioussss, my owwwwwnnnnnnn!"  
  
"NOOO! Don't lengthen the words! ARGH! I give up! You're impossible!  
  
"Imposssssibbbbllleeee, nassssty orcssssssiieeeee. Where issss my precccioussss?"  
  
"ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
[Back to the present cell]  
  
"Hang on, are you the same orc that was in here before?"  
  
"Nah, look here. Take your friend. I think he passed out from the more 'strenuous' tor- I mean, interrogation. And I also think he's going through withdrawal symptoms. God knows why, all us orcs go to the weekly drug counsel for a cup of tea and a sing-a-long..." his voice faded out as he closed the door behind them.  
  
"Aragorn! Aragorn!" Frodo frantically shook the slumped figures shoulder, "Something smells funny..."  
  
"DON"T TOUCH ME!!!" Aragorn snarled and instantly curled up into a ball, rocking backwards and forwards.  
  
"What happened friend??" Gimli asked.  
  
"WHAT HAPPENED??" Aragorn's eyes flicked up and glared at the dwarf. "You want to know what they DID to ME in THERE???"  
  
"Oh! Yes! Yes! Tell us! Tell us!!" the Merry and Pippin clapped in excitement.  
  
"They....they...." Aragorn's voice could hardly be heard.  
  
"Just let it all out Aragorn, cry if need be, you're in the company of friends here" Legolas comforted Aragorn while mentally rolling his eyes.  
  
"They WASHED MY HAIR! Alrite?!? I said it now! They washed my hair! They shampooed it and just when I thought I couldn't take it any longer, they conditioned it." Aragorn wailed then promptly burst into tears.  
  
"There there" Sam patted Aragorns arm.  
  
"It took me forever to get my hair like that. Years of wilderness, gone. Wiped out of existence in a mere hours."  
  
"It took them over 6 hours to wash your greasy hair?" Merry asked incredulously.  
  
"Well, it's pretty greasy" Legolas commented.  
  
"ITS NOT GREASY!! It's just got that 'windswept blown wilderness' look." A flash of pain flitted across Aragorn's face and he put his head in his arms. "No. They did more. They forced me to, t-t-t" he voice started cracking, "To have a bath...WITH LILAC SMELLING SALTS" he spat out the last words.  
  
"Oh Aragorn!!" Pippin jumped onto Aragorns back and ruffled up his hair, "At least it smells-----nice!" he said with forced cheerfulness.  
  
"Just don't touch me, go away."  
  
"Oh yeah. Everyone pays attention to him after his torture but no-one take any notice of poor, old Boromir. Nooooo. I'm fine. I'm just perfectly fine. I'm just dying. No! Don't anyone pay attention to me." A voice muttered out of the shadows, so of course no one paid any attention to it.  
  
Several hours passed. The door opened and it admitted an orc carrying a trayful of something or other.  
  
"Hey! I brought you some food! Oh my, what a bunch of long faces, what's wrong with you all? Where's the recently totured one? Ah, there he is. I see, he's going through his drug deprivation stage. Here this might help you. It's hard to go cold turkey. Nicotine patches." With that the orc handed over some patches.  
  
"And what GOOD IS THAT GOING to do ME????"  
  
"Well, if you stick them on your skin then----"  
  
"The only good its going to do is if I roll them up and SMOKE THEM!"  
  
"Come, come now. I don't like seeing such sad faces. Lets play a game! I know, lets play Ooargh!"  
  
"What's that?" Merry and Pippin chorused together.  
  
"It's a troll game that us orcs adopted. What you do is, you rip off a humans head and kick it around until you get a goal or it bursts, either way."  
  
"Ohh, sounds like...fun" Frodo said weakly, and Sam turned green and started retching. "SAM! Don't start that again!"  
  
"B-but Master, she, he, IT just said-----"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry. I upset your little toyboy even more. I'm terribly sorry. I"ll just be going now"  
  
"I'm NOT GAY!!" Legolas' reflex actions took over.  
  
"I'm sorry sir, I wasn't aware that I was talking to you..."the orc replied confused.  
  
"What? You weren't talking to me? Who were you talking to the-----SAM??? TOYBOY????? Frodo's TOYBOY?????" Legolas burst out laughing.  
  
Frodo grinned proudly and Sam spluttered, "Here, don't you go talking about m-me like that! I'm just a s-simple homosex----I meant, HETRASEXUAL hobbit from the S-Shire, in love with R-Rosie!!"  
  
"Sure, sure. That's what they all say" Aragorn couldn't help himself giving a small chuckle.  
  
"There! See, you're doing fine Edain," the orc said approvingly to Aragorn as it went out the door, "Oh! And Elf! I was told to warn you, you're next for the interrogation chamber. I heard they're thinking about giving you a nice haircut" and with that slammed the door quickly.  
  
Too quickly for Legolas who started pounding on the door in desperation, "NOOOO! Not my hair! Anything but my hair!!! PLEASE NO!!" I'll tell you everything! I'll tell you about the ring!"  
  
~*~silence*~*  
  
"I"ll tell you about the heir to Isildur's throne!"  
  
~*~silence~*~  
  
"I"ll tell you how to defeat Elrond!"  
  
~*~silence*~*  
  
"I'll tell you how to exfoliate your skin properly!"  
  
~*~silence*~*  
  
"I"ll tell you my PIN number, my home address and phone number!" [about 1000000 girls start screaming in excitement]  
  
~*~silence*~*  
  
"I"ll tell you where I keep my secret drugs crop!"  
  
"Hey!!! Why didn't you tell me?!?!?!?" Aragorn's voice.  
  
~*~silence~*~  
  
"I'll tell you where I keep my fluffy, pink tutu!!"  
  
[The door creaks open]  
  
"REALLY???? I've ALWAYS wanted one!!" 


	5. Pink tutu

Yeah, I find this extremely lame, but if you guys like then review. Even you people that lurk in the backround and just read it. REVIEW!! Please?  
  
  
  
  
  
"Pink tutu??" Aragorn couldn't help himself. He sniggered. "I knew you were gay, but I didn't know you were THAT gay!!"  
  
"I'm NOT GAY!!" Legolas shouted ineffectively. "I-I just keep it for special occasions, yeah, that's right!"  
  
"Like what? The Mardi Gras??" Aragorn burst out laughing.  
  
Gimli appeared to be thinking, and eventually looked up at the stricken elf, "Pink? You know I would've thought that a pretty lime would suit your complexion. I mean, I've got a fiery red one to suit my beard, you know I could should some tricks----"  
  
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!" Legolas screamed, "This conversation is ruining my delicate ears!" with that he shoved himself out of the door, accidently slammed the door into the orc, knocking it senseless.  
  
"Oh! Good one elf!" Merry exclaimed as he scooted out the door and proceeded to try and eat the tutu.  
  
"Hey! Share it cousin!"  
  
"Get stuffed!"  
  
Frodo wearily stepped out of the door and put on his most serious/worried expression, "We must leave this evil place and continue on our journey to the cracks of Doom, where hopefully, the curse of Sauron---" his dramatic speech was cut short as something hurtled into him knocking him to the floor.  
  
"MASTER!!! HELP ME!!!"  
  
"Gwet owf meeeee!" Frodo said indistinctively as he tried to peel Sam off his face - to no avail. "I caan't bwreath!"  
  
"They're gonna EAT ME!!" Sam was blubbering and trying to wrap his legs around Frodo's waist and out of reach of the slobbering Merry and Pippin who had given up on the tutu. Since Sam was quite a bit fatter then Frodo this didn't quite work, and he was slowly sliding down Frodo's slim body.  
  
"Jesus Christ sam! This is NOT the time!" Aragorn strode out of the cell and yanked off the clinging Sam, almost pulling off Frodo's face at the same time. "Look, the next time you want to your master to 'save you' can you do it somewhere private, maybe even Legolas will join you.." He let the sentence trail and grinned slyly at Legolas with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"I'm NOT G---" he was interrupted when a hand tugged his pants around groin level. "Hey! Watch it! That's special equipment down there!"  
  
"Huh, whatever" Boromir appeared, having gotten over his near-death experience.  
  
Legolas found himself looking into the dwarf's eyes, "Do you mind if I keep this? It would go fantastically with my hot pink stilettos that I keep for 'special occasions'", Gimli winked conspirationally.  
  
"Oh no, I'm surrounded my homosexuals..." Legolas tried to back away and tripped over the orc.  
  
"Eadfuwehadfaudfgai dawid ASIUWGF!! #$&^@#@^ Jsjadfhuaf!" the orc muttered as he opened his eyes, "Oh, sorry bout that bad language. Oh SHIT! I broke a nail!!! I broke a nail!!! And my face, look at it! Just look at it!! My complexion is ruined!! I only just ran out of 'Pimple/acne/facial hair/lumpy things-be-gone' today!! And I'm meant to be modelling in the beauty pageant tomorrow!! And Sauron was going to be my date!!" The orc promptly burst into tears and started wailing.  
  
Everyone stared. Everything was absolutely silent except for the orcs bawling and the peaceful screams coming from the 'interrogation room'.  
  
[In the interrogation room]  
  
"WHERE IS THE RING!! TELL ME!!"  
  
*screams ensue*  
  
"SSSSSssssshhhhhhhiire!! Bagginsssssssszzzzzzzzz!!"  
  
"Goddammit!! ARGH! I thought I taught you about lenghting your words and drawing out your ess'! It makes you sound evil!"  
  
"Sssssshhhhhhhirrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee! Bagginsssesssss!!"  
  
"Look, Mr Toturer, I'm really sorry about this guy's lisp, I'm afraid I've done everything, short of ripping out his tongue...oh, I see, you're going to try that now?"  
  
"Evil orccssssssieeeessssss! Hurtssssssss!"  
  
"Yes, yes, shutup, you weird-ass little slimy fishy thing. Hmm, yes, I think that removing his tongue will stop the lisp, rightio..."  
  
[back to the peaceful scene outside the prison cell]  
  
"Um, Legolas, I think this is more of your expertise of field..." Boromir smirked.  
  
"WHAT?? You want me to comfort an orc because he's broken a fingernail???"  
  
"Well, yeah. I mean how often do you complain about it? Nails, hair, face, braids, plaits, blah blah blah" Boromir dismissed him with a wave of his hand.  
  
"Muttermuttermutterjustyouwaitmuttermutterstupidedainmuttermutterkillyoumyse lf"  
  
"What was that?" Boromir asked suspiciously  
  
"Nothing" Legolas turned to the distraught orc, "Hey, its alrite. So you're a girl-orc huh?" he tried to get the orc into conversation.  
  
"U-uh no" the orc sniffed, "I'm male."  
  
"If you're male then why are you going into a beauty pageant? And" Legolas mentally groaned not able to stop himself, "Why the hell is Sauron your date??"  
  
"O-oh! Aren't you a naughty elf!!" the orc wriggled his mono-brow, "You know. We're a couple. An item."  
  
"YOU"RE GAY???????????" Legolas couldn't help himself from shrieking the words.  
  
"Yep. You wanna come along? Only I know this other prisoner that I thought that you might get on well with. Admittedly he's a bit slimy but underneath that skin/shell/whatever I'm sure he's a really nice guy, uh, huma-er, thing."  
  
[Interrogation room]  
  
"Ssssssssssaaroun! Ssssssseeexxxxkkkkuuussssshhhhiiiiiiii!"  
  
"Dammit, try his voicebox now"  
  
[back to outside the cell]  
  
"Er, no. No, No. NO!!" Legolas couldn't help himself from backing away.  
  
"You know you want tooo!" the orc put on his most sly voice and wriggled his hips.  
  
"ARRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Legolas ran away screaming.  
  
"Do you think we should follow him mister strider?" Merry asked as Pippin tried to chew off his arm, "Stop that! You're getting slobber all over my arm!"  
  
"Yeah, might be a good idea, who knows we might even run into the confiscated drugs room, whaddya think Gimli?" Aragorn consented with a nod of his newly cleaned head.  
  
"Huh? What did you say?" Gimli looked up from trying to pull a tutu over his chainmail, "Damn, I wish I had brought those shoes....."  
  
"Forget it. I can see that you're preoccupied there dwarf" Aragorn ran off following the quickly disappearing elf.  
  
"Hey, I'm hungry! COME BACK!!" Merry and Pippin sped off, "In the drugs room do you think they'll be mushrooms?"  
  
"Bound to be" Aragorn replied as they caught up, "Hopefully, *magic* mushrooms" his eyes gleamed.  
  
Boromir looked around him and decided that up against a group of orcs, Frodo and Sam weren't exactly the best shields but he decided to try anyway. Picking up Frodo bodily he used him as a human shield and retreated. "If you fire, you'll only get the hobbit!!!" he laughed manically.  
  
"Hey! What do you think you're doing with my master???" an indignant voice floated up.  
  
"Using him as a shield"  
  
"Oh ok."  
  
And with that, the group ran through the tunnels, hopefully to freedom. And food. And a beauty therapy room. And the Mardi Gras.  
  
Oh, and away from Sauron would be nice. 


	6. The end, including a certain chicken

And FINALLY! The conclusion.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~_^ (about time, I know) ~.O  
  
The forest glistened with the morning dew, the sweet smell of fresh nectar hung on the air, and the sound of fair voices floated through the age-old trees.  
  
"YOU STINK!! You smell like B.O. bad!!" Legolas wrinkled up his nose and tried to get as far away as possible from Aragorn.  
  
"It's not B.O! Its that manly smell that draws excitably young women" Aragorn retaliated, "And therefore you will never be able to get the young elf-maidens."  
  
"What because I don't stink like an orc that's been scrubbing up in a SEWERAGE drain???"  
  
"No, because you're not *manly*" Aragorn laughed.  
  
"I'd like you to know young human, that I could kick your arse in a fight and you know it!"  
  
"Only because you live longer then me! I'd die and you'd be fighting my skeleton and still lose! LOSER!! LOSER!!!"  
  
"Why you!!---" Legolas launched himself at Aragorn and the 2 rolled down the hill throwing punches and stray kicks. The others looked on. This was an everyday occurrence. It had stopped bothering them about 2 weeks ago.  
  
"You know, sometimes I think that they don't take this whole destroy-the- ring-or-Sauron-is-going-to-destroy-Middle-Earth-and-we're-all-going-to-die thing seriously." Frodo consulted Sam worriedly.  
  
"I think I forgot to bring the rope master" Sam replied.  
  
"What? I was talking to you about the psychological differences between those 2 species and asking for an informed opinion on whether they take this mission seriously and all you can say is, "I FORGOT THE ROPE????"" Frodo quite lost it.  
  
Sam went quite red and mumbled, "But rope always comes in handy. You know my father always said that you should never forget the rope because you're bound to need it somewhere----"  
  
"Yeah, I'm going to need it alright. I'm going to HANG YOU WITH IT!!" The normally calm/eternally worried hobbits voice made everyone turn their head.  
  
"Jeez, take a chill pill. Can't you see some people are trying to get some sleep here?" Boromir said from under a pile of shields which he had placed strategically around himself to help ward off an attack. So far some poor rabbit had had it's head nearly chopped off and Gimli had nearly been blown away by a land mine.  
  
"I'm not the one sleeping under a armadillo!" Frodo retorted.  
  
Aragorn used this sudden distraction to pick up Merry and bash Legolas with the little hobbit. Legolas stumbled to his knees gasping for breath and his eyes narrowed as he saw what Aragorn held as a club.  
  
"LET ME DOWN!"  
  
"Oh, so you're going to fight dirty now human huh? Well, two can play at that game!" And before Pippin had caught onto what was happened the elf grabbed the hobbit and started to flail wildly at Aragorn with him.  
  
"Take that human!"  
  
"Ouch"  
  
"Impudent elf! Piece of fluff, bow to my staff and will!"  
  
"Ow. This is really starting to hur-"  
  
"Pathetic Edain! Give up while you still live"  
  
"OUCH!!"  
  
"Never!"  
  
"OWWW! I don't wanna die!! MUMMYYYY!"  
  
Once again the others looked on. Well Sam and Frodo did. Boromir was still busy putting on more body armour and thinking on how to steal Frodo's mithril vest (which he only knows about cause it's in the script) and Gimli was dreamily looking at himself in a puddle.  
  
"Oh, aren't you a sexy beast? Oh, down boy! Bad boy!" Gimli was murmuring things to his reflection in that Austin Powers voice, "I could love you all night long." Turning to Sam and Frodo, "What do you guys think? The plain black mascara or the silver shimmer dust for the eyelids?"  
  
Sam and Frodo stared. "I think that morgul blade must have altered my brain chemistry or something because I think I'm going insane" Frodo muttered hysterically.  
  
"It's ok master"  
  
"Combine them both together! Put on the shimmer dust, then the mascara! It will look fabulous, da-ahling!" Legolas answered without skipping a beat. (or whack with a hobbit in this case)  
  
"OUCH!"  
  
"No, its *not* ok Samwise Gamgee! Look around you, what do you see?"  
  
"Must I master? I thought it was nicer to think that I was back home with Rosie, doing...stuff..."his voice petered out.  
  
"Ohhhhh" Frodo answered his voice thick with realisation, "That's what happens when you get that dreamy look and start shaking".  
  
"Umm, I think I should go and make sure that Gimli doesn't try to go any further with his reflection.." the chubby hobbit nearly sprinted off.  
  
The day wore on and Frodo thought about their escape from the dudgeons while the birds whistled and the screams of Merry and Pippin could be heard. It was so nice to be back out in fresh, open, air Frodo thought. It was so easy to get out once they had realised what to look for.  
  
[Flashback to the caves]  
  
"How do we get out of here????"  
  
"I don't know!! Look for a sign saying "EXIT" Aragorn snapped sarcastically.  
  
Legolas the dumb blonde took him at his word, "Ok."  
  
After frantically running back and forth past a door with a bright green and white light above it they stopped panting.  
  
"Um, Aragorn, how do you spell EXIT anyway?"  
  
"For gods sake! When they made you Legolas did they forget to give you any brains and just give you the looks? E-X-I-T."  
  
"No, I mean, how do you spell it in orcish?"  
  
"Ohhhhhh. Ok, we're standing right in front of a door with a flashing light saying "FOUDFAUFADFIGEWBJBDVHSDBZMNXNCMZC", its got an easy access handle and everything. Um" Aragorn's last 2 remaining brain cells tried to put a connection together. 1 of them died. The other shut down.  
  
"Let's try the handle and find out huh?" Boromir sarcastically said and Legolas being the dumb blonde (again) said, "Ok" And opened it. It turned out to be a toilet. And it turned out that "FOUDFAUFADFIGEWBJBDVHSDBZMNXNCMZC" meant "ENGAGED".  
  
In hindsight it was amazing to see how quickly Gimli could dig a whole through pure rock, well, anyone would dig awful fast just to escape that orc who was in a rather nasty mood after being disturbed from his 'rest'.  
  
Frodo sighed. The day passed rather quickly and Merry and Pippin were put down in a truce, mainly still in one piece. The sight of each other's blood had been too much and they had to spend the rest of the day/night tied to a tree to try and suppress the food frenzy that the blood had driven them to. In fact, Frodo squinted, there they are tied to the tree - still, with rags stuffed in their mouths to keep the drooling to a minimum.  
  
"Umtie meee!" Muffled, but audible. "I pwomise to never bite Wegowas again, wupturing his purfehctly manicuhred hand!"  
  
"Uhhhh! Ditthoo!"  
  
Frodo grinned as a voice was heard, "FAT CHANCE! SHUTUPP! People are trying to get sleep here!" Frodo then sighed as he looked down at the figure crouched beneath him. The rustling of canvas could be heard.  
  
"Sam, I'm not sure if I'm going this right"  
  
"That's alright master. You're doing fine. You just got to hammer it harder. Look, there, like mine. See how straight it is? It's got to be taut as."  
  
"Can you help me, I can't get it to stay up"  
  
"Sure thing master. I had the same problem when I first started doing this." More rustling. A thud, a short gasp, a moan.  
  
"That was my finger!"  
  
"Sorry, master, I guess I got I bit carried away. You know, they're both long, slim and cylindrical." Sam apologised. "Now that its up, you slip this over the top, that will keep it from suddenly going slack, wouldn't want that to happen would we? That would certainly be a surprise huh master?"  
  
"Thanks Sam. I don't know what I'd do without you."  
  
"Well, you wouldn't stay nice, dry and warm without me that's for sure!" Nervous laughter.  
  
"Well, now that we got the base-work erected, lets get on with the business."  
  
"Yep, lets start" More rustling.  
  
"What are you doing master?"  
  
"Well, I'm a bit nervous, just being out this late at night, in the dark in the bushes. Thank god, you're here to keep me company."  
  
"Aww, that's ok master. Just follow what I do."  
  
"Ok" More urgent rustling. Then quietly, "You know, Sam, I've never done this before." "Really? Why didn't you just tell me? I'll do the rest." Rustling stops and there is a sigh of satisfaction.  
  
"Goddamn, that is one perfect tent". Sam stands back to admire his handiwork. Frodo is clutching his thumb which is red thanks to Sam hitting it with the hammer when hammering in the pegs.  
  
"Sure is Sam. Now lets get some sleep. Night Sam" Frodo crawls into his tent and Sam walks away happily whistling.  
  
[A/N - Hehehehe =)]  
  
The next 2 weeks went quickly and in no time at all, they were back in Aragorn's home forest closing in on Rivendell quick.  
  
"Almost home! I'm almost home!" Aragorn sung while skipping along picking some flowers.  
  
Legolas smirked looking at the bunch of wildflowers, "Now, who is the one that's a pansie?" [A/N No pun intended]  
  
"They're for Arwen! For that lovely elf whos moon shelters in her robes, whos sun shines from behind her head, whos stars twinkle in her eyes, who is the most beautiful thing alive on earth and...and...SHE'S MINE!!!"  
  
Legolas started muttering a curse under his breath, "May Aragorn, son of Arathon, befall such a hideous accident that he is unable to wed the Evenstar of my people and-----" the jinx was lucky cut short by the presence of 2 elves which suddenly just appeared.  
  
"Wow. That's weird. I'm seeing double" Merry commented and Pippin narrowed his eyes and looked up at Aragorn, "What did you put in our food?"  
  
"ARRGGGHHH! We're being attacked by CLONES!!!" Everyone turned to see Boromir turn white and scream piercingly, "I'm going to die!!" before fainting.  
  
"Brothers!!" Aragorn shouted happily and bounded like a big puppy into Elladan and Elrohir arms.  
  
"Hang on Ari, you know these guys?" Legolas asked unbelievingly.  
  
"They're my brothers! We're really close despite the age difference, I mean we're only about 1,000,000,000,000,000 years difference. How goes it in fair Rivendell?"  
  
"Ari???" Elladan snorted. Aragorn gave Legolas a deathstare.  
  
"Yeah, the dumb blonde here, Legless makes up some pathetic names..." Legolas stuck out his tongue at 'Ari'. Ari stuck up his finger.  
  
Elrohir , the negotiator, intervened to stop the quarrellers. "Rivendell is as fine as the day you left dear brother. Although it was been lonely without your antics to keep us amused young human."  
  
"Go on, tell him about the one thing that is not fine in Rivendell!" Elladan egged on his twin brother.  
  
"Alright, alright, patience"  
  
"What's wrong??" Aragorn asked anxiously, the finger war with 'Legless' completely forgotten.  
  
"I'm afraid that the Lord of Elmadris, your father, Elrond, is..um, there is no easy way to say this...um, he currently thinks that he is a chicken."  
  
"A CHICKEN??"  
  
"Um, yeah, but not only a chicken, but a chicken that works in a nightclub" Elladan had to try and keep a straight face.  
  
"A CHICKEN IN A NIGHTCLUB???? WHAT????? WHY?????"  
  
Elrohir mouth twitched slightly, "We thought that maybe you would be able to tell us brother. After all, it was *your* medicine chest that he was going through when some of it caught on fire....."  
  
"WHAT?!?!?!?"  
  
The end.  
  
PS. Thanks for all the reviews. Special thanks to Magical Rachel and Stacey. To Magical Rachel because you reviewed EVERY CHAPTER! Legend!! Also, if you liked this then I suggest that you read any books by Terry Pratchett, some things were stolen, I mean, BORROWED from his books. They are sooo funny! Yep, I think that's about as much as my twisted mind can think of for LotR.  
  
LotR will never be the same again. Also, did I fool you with the tent scene? 


End file.
